Farfarello Tries To Cook
by glassneko
Summary: Farfarello tries to cook. Do I have to explain further? Invloves much fire.


A/N Hey hey! This is the first fic I've posted in a while. And the first Weiss fic I've posted. I haven't necessarily set any pairings but there's a pretty obvious Ken/Farfarello if you want. I'm not entirely sure where this came from, I just thought Farfarello seemed like the type of person to have the worst cooking luck. Reviews would be nice. And since we know no one bothers reading throught the author's notes anyways, on with the fic!   
  
"Farfie, can you start breakfast while I take a shower? I don't care what you make."  
  
"Um Ken… I can't cook."  
  
"You can't be worse than Youji. Can you get me a bowl of cereal then?"  
  
"That qualifies as cooking."  
  
"You can't make cereal? What the hell do you eat?"  
  
"Well, I can make cereal, I'm just the type of person who burns water."  
  
"…You can burn cereal."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"…How?"  
  
"I'm not entirely sure actually."  
  
"I'm sure it can't be that bad. Just do your best."  
  
"Okay. But I'm warning you."  
  
Ten minutes and an unusually large amount of fire later.  
  
"This is actually charred. The milk is burned! How the hell did you manage to burn milk? I can find you fifty scientists who will tell you how physically impossible that is!" Ken warily took a very small spoonful of the crispy cereal and put it in his mouth. And promptly started choking. "How can you eat this?" Farfarello took a bite of his own bowl of cereal.  
  
"I warned you." Ken looked amazed that Farfarello was actually consuming the cereal without falling over dead. "It doesn't bother me."  
  
"Well how on earth did you get heat involved anyways?"  
  
"Well, this morning I managed to accidentally flip on the stove and then left the bowl there for a minute before I noticed it burning. But I really did try to keep yours from burning! That was actually the best of three attempts…"  
  
"What happened to the other attempts?"  
  
"Well on the first one my lighter fell out of my pocket, flicked on and set it on fire. And on the third one the toaster kind of blew up when the cereal was next to it. That was the worst one."  
  
"The toaster blew up."  
  
"Yes. But don't worry! It'll be fine. Appliances just sort of catch on fire when I'm cooking, but they usually work fine once I'm out of the kitchen.  
  
"So every time you cook, things somehow manage to start burning?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Even when, theoretically, the materials in question, i.e. water, shouldn't be able to burn at all?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Okay lets try this then. I'll help you make a bowl of cereal and see if it doesn't get burnt."  
  
"Schuldig tried that once."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"His hands were burnt out of use for three weeks and he decided to never again enter the kitchen when I was anywhere near." Ken deadpanned.  
  
"Well we'll try to keep that from happening. Okay. Lets start. Take the cereal box and put it on the counter." Farfarello did so. "Now take the milk and put it on the counter." He did so. "Now the bowl," He took a bowl from the cupboard. "and a spoon." All the materials were now situated on the counter. "Okay, so we're doing okay."  
  
"Well usually I can make it to this stage before something starts burning."  
  
"Now open the cereal box." Farfarello did so. "Pour some cereal into the bowl." Farfarello looked like he was concentrating as he slowly poured the cereal. Suddenly the cereal caught fire as it was pouring. The box and the bowl were currently covered in flames but Farfarello simply ran them under the tap. Ken stared in amazement.  
  
"How--?"  
  
"Friction."  
  
"I thought you said the water could catch on fire?"  
  
"Well, once the fire's burnt the food beyond recognition it usually dies down without a lot of fuss. If I thought it was going to be a problem today, I would've used a pot lid to smother the flames. Those have a much lower rate of catching on fire."  
  
"'A much lower rate'? As in you've actually caught a metal pot lid on fire??"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well I'm just glad I didn't get burnt."  
  
"I'm sorta surprised. I guess it burnt the rest of the cereal in the box and that was good enough."  
  
"So you can't even make toast?"  
  
"Toast is out."  
  
"What about a sandwich?"  
  
"Nope."   
  
"Glass of water?"  
  
"Drinks are usually okay. Pouring them can be iffy sometimes, that's why I hardly ever drink alcohol."  
  
"And microwave dinners?"  
  
"I hardly ever attempt microwaves anymore. Too high risk of radiation. But with stoves and ovens I can usually contain the fires."  
  
"I thought it was just a myth that microwaves could give off radiation?"  
  
"You tell that to Schuldig."  
  
"What the hell do you eat?"  
  
"I just eat it burned."  
  
"How are you not dead yet??"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Just then, Youji, Schuldig, Omi and Nagi entered the kitchen. "What's burning?" asked Nagi smelling the smoke.  
  
"Sorry. Ken made me cook," said Farfarello. Schuldig suddenly acquired a horrified expression and ran like hell back out the door. Everyone besides Farfarello looked after him with an eyebrow raised.  
  
"Are you a fellow water burner?" asked Youji with a sympathizing smile on his face.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"He's burnt four bowls of cereal and the box to a crisp in the last fifteen minutes!" Just to prove the point, Farfarello's already black bowl of cereal suddenly burst into flames. Omi, the closest, took a step back worriedly as Farfarello calmly blew out the fire and continued eating.  
  
"Wow! You're even worse than I am!" exclaimed Youji. 


End file.
